Today was my first full day at home, leaving the house only to deposit my son to his (unbelievably) still open school. While one foot has solidly and shoe-lessly jumped into the apocalyptic unknown of virtual everything, life as ‘normal’ seems to continue in the playground. No wonder we are all so confused.
Because I have not been sleeping very well, I started the day with a fuzzy pre-occupation with coffee, as if each cup would expose another tiny bit of the the answer, like one piece of the yellow brick road being exposed with each step.
I perched at the front of my chair with a feeling somewhere between the excitement of ‘all hands on deck’, and the all-too familiar ‘holy shit, this is not a drill’ remnants of PTSD lingering my bones that made it difficult to focus the completion of any one task.
Accomplishments. Today I tore apart the back end of my scheduling system and created this – an online booking system for live, streaming yoga classes. I am diving into the unknown and gleefully anticipating seeing your familiar faces over the next coming days, but I am also a little anxious that it will all go ok. I’m happy to say that in the scope of things it is one of the less earth-shattering unknowns at the time being.
What I learned about myself. Today I learned that a part of me has become wired to deal with crisis. The better part of my past ten years has been living in unknown circumstances, on several occasions having to surrender to life or death circumstances that exposed the lack of meaning in anything other than mere survival. Over these years I’ve had a more or less constant peripheral gaze on death. This changes a person’s perspective. As stressful as these last weeks have been and coming weeks may be, my past has made me realise that in the present sometimes sleeves need to be rolled up and the best choice out there is just to lean into it. Ask for what you need, put ideas out that maybe don’t quite even make sense yet….makeshift your way into a new adaptation of self as if you had just landed on a new planet where everything is possible (except touching and in-person socialisation).
What I can do better, tomorrow. I slid on the self-care today. A number of times I began to prepare for my own yoga practice and was too focused on getting my computer work done. I barely spent any time outside and besides the delicious loaf of homemade bread, I didn’t nourish myself very creatively either. Tomorrow, rain or shine, I will start my day with a personal retreat because it is looking like each day might be the last day of school for a while.
Signing off for tonight.