I woke from a daydream this morning feeling extreme nausea; I vomited, and started to cry. It felt good, to cry, something my eyes have been doing a lot of lately. It is a wonderful thing, to let the eyes rest in their liquid; little pools of water that enable the reflection of one soul to another. Afterall, crying is a cleansing act, it is even a yoga Kriya (trÄá¹aka, actually it is the practice of gazing to focus concentration, but leads to the watering of the eyes, hence it cleanses the Ajna chakra). Just look at our dear mother earth when she weeps!
I have been crying lately primarily due to the amazement of life and death: the wonderment of feeling Love as purely and simply as I do in the midst of my healing process. It is a key ingredient of the work that is happening here at the Royal Free Hospital. I feel not only my own love for my donor, friends, family and huge support team consisting of just about everyone under the sun, but more profoundly, the love of the Universe, the Divine in each of you showering me with blessings every single day. A dewdrop of Love from God manifest in each of us.
Today, however, I felt sadness. I have been living for the past two weeks with some very ill Beings; too ill to understand what they are saying or doing, or how they impact those around them. For all intents and purposes, they are demented through mental and physical disease, but when the curtains are closed and the lights are out, it can be hard to see clearly. Last night was the grand finale, with one of the woman across me hitting a nurse repeatedly, throwing things from her table, screaming she was going to bomb the hospital, kill us all and escape with her daughter (whom is not here). It went on for hours, through the night and into morning, when I was roused out of a semi-conscious state to hear her still screaming not to touch her and refusing her medicines and treatment. The tears rolled, and I was crying from the weeks of negativity being stockpiled in my mind based on these late night rage sessions. I was crying for my angels, the nurses whom night after night give all of themselves to aide those of us who need help. Witnessing them be abused night after night has taken it’s toll on me. I was crying for the thousands and thousands suffering without a chance for medical help while the two women before me refuse the chance to get better while hurting those around them. I was crying for their state of helplessness, for their state of victimization. I was crying because I was tired, and I could not see Love.
My faith in God has grown every day since my transplant, and while I’ve never aligned myself with any one organized religion, something about what, and how I believe in the divine has shifted. I start to see more clearly that each and everyone of us are Love. It’s not something we have to work on. We have it already. Sometimes it’s hidden, buried, through years of suffering, self-hatred that transfers to harming others through thought, word and action, but be sure, it starts with our relationship with our self; with our Divine Self. Why is it so difficult for some to Love? A lot of suffering in life can happen, deeply painful experiences and emotions, and this is enough to make many want to block their true nature, Love. I have certainly been there in my life; I don’t know anyone whom hasn’t suffered. Well, during times of intense crisis, things become simple. They have to, our capacity as humans simply isn’t powerful enough to hold anything extra. The dirt, or illusion about who we are is more easily dislodged, and behaviors and beliefs that no longer serve are dropped. The saying goes, crisis builds character. I suppose there is some truth to that if you can continue to cleanse away the dirt of mis-knowing (avidyÄ); silently observing self without judgement (sakshi); and most importantly,continue to offer everything up to the Divine (ishvara pranidanad va).
I was moved to a different room after breakfast. It is quiet, I have a window, and there are three other overnight patients in the room that will return home tomorrow. I have been up all day having blood transfusions and getting the remainder of my staples removed. My tummy is sore and oozy, like two techtonic plates trying to dry up to form a super-continent.Â I rest upon knowing the two ladies in my former room are Divine Beings whom have lost their way. Without knowing it, they are on their path, and I believe they each have big challenges but wonderful experiences in front of them. This is their chance to cleanse through the dirt. This is their chance to see their true nature. Our true nature: Love.
And now, my super-continent is going to bed.