Time, beyond being a measuring tool to make appointments which deem us too early or too late, confounds my cortical mind.
It has been nearly seven months since I was placed on the Liver Transplant list, in need of an ‘urgent’ intervention to keep the rest of my body alive while my liver was failing me. During that time I have been better and worse and in and out of the hospital, until finally the doctors and myself have found a stop-gap measure through medications that seem to work. As many of you know, I’m now on a continual dose of changing antibiotics and digestive aids until I get the life-changing call. Since May when I was called in for a possible transplant, I have been, and remain, at the top of the list for an average-sized B-blood group liver. In fact, in mid-July, my doctor said that statistically it would be a matter of weeks; yet the hours, days and months tick past and I’m surprised every day that I’ve continued to work and live with relative ease out of the hospital, without yet getting the call. I would be lying if I were to say that it has been a mental snooze fest.
Continuing to live with my mobile phone by my side, aware of the risks, challenges and uncertainties that lie ahead post-surgery, it feels almost surreal to be planning for events that are several months away as if I may still be waiting for the call. Stranger still is the idea that I may have had the surgery and be rehabilitating by the time these dates for given events come around.
Of course, if I would decide not to plan anything at all, the wonder and joy of living would escape me. There have been wonderful, magical moments during this time of waiting for my liver. I have seen beloved friends and family who have taken their precious time to visit me and keep my spirit uplifted.Â I’ve traveled back in time and walked the Jurassic Coast in with my husband and son. There have been theÂ countless delicious yoga classes I’ve been so lucky to attend with incredible teachers, and the amazing students who have given me so much strength and positivity by continuing to show up to my classes week after week. I have seen some incredible exhibitions, concerts, dance and theatre, and perhaps most importantly, have been by my husband’s side to observe our son transforming from a toddler to a little boy.
As I now focus my efforts towards learning about the post-surgery treatment, I’m also doing my best to complete the phase 2 work of the Rolfing training. I continue to have faith that time will be on my side, and provide me with what I need, when I need it to go on in this lifetime not hanging on and waiting, but letting go and living.
My daily reminder to self: Bow humbly to the powers of the universe. Let go and swim in its ocean of mystery.